So, it’s been a while, since I posted a blog. In the last few months more changes than I can even begin to detail, have taken place in my life. The last month especially has been challenging. There has been so much searching of my innerverse, journalling, connection, gain, loss, course taking, soul unearthing, purpose divining, and movement; I’ve not had the energy to blog. I’ve not had the energy to even share it all, with even my closest humans.
A few weeks ago, I admitted to myself that I have been living in total resistance of ‘breakdown’. I had been ignoring my intuitive voice, fixating on the element in my life that I didn’t want to change. I went through the steps: holding onto it, bargaining, fearing, ultimately staying suspended in a highly anxious state.
I knew better. Yet there I was. I had to purposefully make the choice to soften into the experience of it. The experience. It is an experience. It is not who I am, it is not happening to me, it is my choice how I react. My choice, whether I attach, or release.
So, I really chose to surrender. I “word vomited” to some very dear-to-me humans, and they held so much space for me to let it out. Sort it out. Feel it out. Sit in it, with open eyes, with an open heart. I loosened my grip, and I expelled the bundle of negativity I had been clutching, by sharing it out loud. I had been doing really fucking badly. I felt horrible. I was missing, myself, others. I was missing. After sharing it, after allowing it to energetically flow from me, I no longer felt alone in my darkness. I could hear my intuition again. I could hear her telling me that it was not necessary to have all of the answers, that my thoughts told me I needed.
I am heartbroken; but I have opened my arms to the truths of this experience; and now they hurt a little less. It was not until I accepted that I was sitting in the shit, that I could begin to climb out of it. That I could move through it, and heal my heart. I had to be ready to let go, to find out all of the reasons that it was so critical that I have this experience. I am finding my own happy again. I am better protecting it.
It is okay, to not feel okay. I’ve caught sight of that clarity, that openness, that light, I am now in ‘breakthrough’. I am seeing the element for the good that it was, and not for the loss of it. I am cherishing having had it at all. I am grateful for the change. I have released the hesitation, of allowing it to change. I trust the experiences I have, as ones I am meant to. I trust myself, to learn and grow. I trust that I have, within me, what I need to navigate experience and growth.
I will be okay. I am already okay.
I was always okay – more than okay.
I had all the answers already.
I was, am, will always be – enough.